Areas where it could still improve are in detailed wording.
Following Strunk & White, we should use normal words instead
of hype words. E.g. "Better" is better than "Enhanced".
The first paragraph is crucial. Every word counts. I suggest:
Today Linus Torvalds, leader of the Linux software development team,
released a major update to the Linux operating system kernel. This
update brings advanced scalability, broad support for newer hardware,
and hundreds of new low-level features.
Note "operating system kernel", not "operating system". Linus doesn't
release whole operating systems, just kernels. (Else people will wonder,
what they're waiting to get in March.) Note re-use of the word "update"
to tie the two sentences together. "Hundreds" is tighter than "a large
collection". I suspect "low-level" is not the right word here;
suggestions?
I agree with other posters that a single quote from a Microsoft stooge
is quite enough. In place of "issued", which is false, you can say
"conducted". The quote must really be a quote, with "..." where you
cut anything, and [brackets] where you insert things. Putting words
in others' mouths can be (literally) criminal.
Other quotes really _must_ be from somebodies. I assume
your quote from "Scott" is meant as a placeholder. Probably those
quotes should appear toward the beginning of the announcment --
before the "highlights". The MS quote can appear later. (Don't
mention "Halloween" as such; it's not MS's name for the document.)
In the list of "Highlights", the form should be the same for all.
We mustn't jump back and forth between sentences and sentence-fragments.
Full sentences would be better, but inserting "which" turns sentences
into sentence fragments.
Non-Europeans will wonder what a Euro is. Is it a kernel feature,
anyway? If you must mention it, say "Euro currency".
The remarks about scalability need _lots_ of cleanup. When you talk
about the number of processors, you need a hyphen: "12-processor
system", not "12 processor system"; similarly for other uses of
compound modifiers. As noted, calling out "12" begs the question,
why 12? I propose:
The already-legendary linux performance is now significantly better.
High-end SMP scaling has demonstrated competitive performance on
12-processor machines, and supports up to 64-processor systems.
The use of "leverage" as a verb is _deeply_ suspect. The whole paragraph
is too chummy and mentions NT too many times. I propose:
Compatibility with BSD and Windows NT filesystems, which eases access
to your your existing UNIX and NT data today and provides an easy
upgrade path tomorrow.
In the paragraph about advanced users, we shouldn't use "use"
too much; thus:
Advanced technical users are already
running this update, available on the Internet.
^^^^^^^
The final sentence of the paragraph is clumsy; I suggest:
To cope with the massive demand expected for this upgrade, the Linux
Kernel Archive has a network of download servers in place worldwide.
I agree with the suggested improvements to the "BACKGROUND" paragraph;
x86, PPC, Alpha, and SPARC support should be mentioned together.
Further "older SPARCs" should be mentioned along with the 386 and 486,
because old Sun IPCs etc are being dusted off too. The final sentence
of that paragraph should be taken out and shot. Thus, I suggest:
Linux is a secure network operating system for demanding users.
It interoperates well with a wide variety of other systems. Linux
can take advantage of modern PC, PowerMac, and 64-bit Alpha and
UltraSPARC hardware. Linux can give new life to old 386-, 486-,
and SPARC-based computers. Linux is provided under an unlimited-use
license that permits in-house customizations to the system itself.
Commercial support is available from numerous organizations that all
have free access to Linux source code. Latest estimates suggest
that Linux supports up to 20 million users worldwide.
It's good to have the word "Linux" appear many times in the paragraph
above, and for each sentence to be quotable by itself.
s/proprietry/proprietary/
Probably you should run ispell before posting the next draft...
Finally... Was Linus disillusioned with the "poor quality" of commercial
alternatives, or the "poor value"? I thought cost mattered, at the time.
Let's not revise history.
Nathan Myers
ncm@cantrip.org
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